A Modest Proposal for 2020

Here’s the bottom line: we need low-cost methods to occupy the spawn of the servant class during working hours.

“Covid Kim” Reynolds is having such a hard time convincing teachers to go back to school that the State of Iowa has relaxed requirements for substitutes. You can now teach in Iowa with no background check. It used to be you couldn’t even have a police record, but now you can be a convicted murderer and wield control of 30-odd six-year-olds, molding their young, impressionable minds as you see fit.

This informs my proposal: have the slaves — I mean, the prisoners with jobs — teach the kids whose parents can’t afford private tutors for distance learning.

Behold: the apex of the Marvel cinematic universe.

There is no money to pay real teachers; we already gave it all to Amazon. Even if we had the resources, very few people are so selfless as to voluntarily trap themselves in a room with more than two dozen vectors of disease. We’re going to have to force people to do it just like we force people to go fight mile-wide fires roaring through kindling forests at 80mph.

Most of these kids are going to be sold to private prisons once they reach adulthood anyway, so it’s really in their best interest to meet their fellow prisoners now and get to know them. Prisoner-teachers can give these kids insight that may help them survive a lifetime behind bars.

“Behind bars” is a figure of speech, of course. By the time these kids are grown, private prisons should be able to hold five times as many workers as they do now. With 5% of American adults laboring for the greater good, the need for schools will diminish, as well. With each passing generation, access to and desire for education will lessen until most children graduate before they hit puberty (which by that point bovine growth hormones should have knocked down to seven or eight years old).

In the glorious future, the burden of knowledge will weigh on us no longer. Critical thought will be a memory to be whispered in the dark.

“Grandma, what is ‘logic’?”

“Hmm… I don’t quite remember, but I think that was something the doctor gave you when you had trouble in the toilet.”

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